Choosing the Scary Path
Our lives are the stories of how we remember who and what we are. And without being aware of it, we seek every day in different places, and practices what support the expanding of the awareness. But the great mystery is always inside us - and we all have an inner urge to become the ones we are supposed to be, to do what we have decided to do on a higher plane of consciousness, towards which we also have to strive and thrive to remember.
This is the soul’s journey and at the same time it’s the Fool’s journey, through many lives and many destinies. Going from innocence and ignorance to innocence and awareness. Through learning and evolving. In time the circle is taking form, on its way to become closed, and an inner knowing about that there is something special we have to do, becomes clearer and clearer.
In one of my videos I mentioned that dedicating oneself to finding the dark feminine means being able to deal with fear and pain, and being able to be alone. Why? Because it will be dangerous or because you will be feared or hated? Well, no, not at first hand - but since this kind of work takes you on a journey leading more inwards than ever, through the subconscious subterranean parts, to the unknown vast realm of forgotten dreams and lost soul parts. And yes, that kind of journey may be followed by in-appreciative judging comments from those who fear the dark side of the existence.
When being in the not consciously knowing-what it is we are looking for-part of our lives, and searching on the outside for context and community, it’s easy to relate to religious groups. This is also part of the journey, and just as much important as something else – if we choose that path. But if finding oneself in a community which feels more and more limiting, it’s a sign of that you are not on the right place. If what you were searching for, and thought you had found, wasn’t here – this was just an interim target – perhaps a milestone – but not the end station.
We have to trust our souls way of learning.
...and then you have to keep on moving, and here the challenge lays in being alone. Feeling like an outcast. NO one enjoys the feeling of being alone because they don’t fit in, and when leaving a secure but limited place with a familiar but judging group of people, there is a risk that you feel very vulnerable. Especially if it's a religious group that cut off the contact with those who leave it.
I have that experience myself, even if I haven’t been a true member of such a group. But I have always been a searcher, not only for a deep un-named spiritual meaning - but also for the comforting feeling of belonging somewhere, having a purpose together with people who share the same vision. When I started to study the bible together with a certain group of religious people I felt happy, but in time I found out that I felt more fear of not being good enough, and it all turned out to be me trying to fit in and conform. It was much about dress code, having the right answers to the questions asked in the studies. There were no room for own reflections if those were contradicting their dogmas, and in time I felt more and more unfree.
What happened was that my soul wanted me to move on, leave that particular area of learning. It was not only easy since parts of my family were members of that religious group, and the fear was not only of losing the ones I had become friends with, but also of ending up in disagreement with that part of my family.
But it all was part of my soul’s journey, and I had to go through the fear of being alone in order to understand what’s important; to follow the inner truth. I was looking for something else, and the divine side of it didn’t only comprise a male god. Something inside me pushed me further and I really needed strength to move on, go deeper and search for that special light I saw a glimpse of, but couldn’t grasp - yet.
Years after I had moved on and was walking on my own path, still with tough criticism from those family members - who considered my spiritual journey as dangerous - which was very challenging, since I love them and understood why they had that point of view, and there was no way for me to change that – even if their opinion was very humiliating and hurting to me. I really wanted their acceptance and approval of what I held so close to my heart, but I couldn’t get it since their religious believes came between us. We often had arguments about my way of view, and even if it was frustrating, it really strengthened me since all of these denouncing discussions only made me more determined to go my own way. The hardest part was the knowledge about that they really loved me and wanted my best – from Their point of view. To them my way of practicing spirituality was wrong! And still is .. but nowdays I only thank them for caring. And the love is very strong between us.
..but then.. some 13 years ago, when this still was a hurting scar - I had a very comforting dream. At that time, my love for my most prominent power animal, the bear – had grown quite strong – and in this dream I was presented the understanding of what I had been through and the outcome of it, the gain. The oil.
I am moving forwards on a gameboard, where different passages from the Old Testament in the Bible, is presented. When I understand one the right way, I move on to the next – advancing in the game.
Now I am standing together with two girls, properly dressed in skirt and blouse, outside a big building belonging to their religious congregation. I have just finished reading a book about a woman who was excluded from their religion because of not following their rules, and I say to the girls that I have very much made up my mind; I can’t be one of them because the only reason for being that, would be my fear of being alone, without those who will disappear – but it doesn’t matter.
The girls turn around and walk into the building, and now I find myself in an big empty underground room. I have a backpack with me, it’s white with a fruit motive on it – and in the backpack I have everything I own and need; some crackers and some clothes.
From the underground room I walk out to an unknown city and there I stop a dog from running out in the traffic. After doing that I meet a woman who I feel strongly connected to. She is talking to me in English and with her is a golden brown bear who is a powerful spiritual being, although it has physical features.
The bear communicates with me without words, with its eyes fixed at mine. And the whole world disappears around us. The bear puts one of its paws on my heart, and gives me an understanding of how I received a loving heart. I communicate back to the bear without words, and put my hands on both sides of its head. Then the bear turns into an amber colored crystal cluster. I remove a few facets from the cluster and look into it. On the inside of the cluster is a room and I am now looking in to it through a window. Inside the room I can see the few belongings I had in my backpack. I know this is all I have and all I need.
The dream described my journey as moves on a play board, where my personal growing went from being able to give a correct answer to theological questions – to making my own decisions – and finding my inner strength, which was all that I really needed.
The dream confirmed that my decision to stop studying the bible within limiting frames, was right for me. Doing that actually opened up the door to my subconscious, the underground room, which lead me further to what was really my own path.
The backpack was white as in something brand new, an unwritten paper. And the fruit motive on it showed that it contained the nutrition I needed. In the underground town I rescued my restricted instincts from being overrun, symbolized by the dog in the traffic.
The woman who I felt connected to spoke in English, which in this dream pointed towards the left side of expression – left side as in coming from the right and feminine intuitive side of the brain.
And finally – the bear, the wonderful bear who turned into an amber cluster, which in its turn contained everything I needed. Seeing into the room through a window, means seeing through the illusion about that I needed something else than what was in this room, this amber cluster – my power animal, the bear, my ally and strength. For many lives.
The bear has for sure been with me in earlier lifetimes, and is strongly connected to my path of the divine feminine; because the search I was on to before even knowing it, was the search for the goddess. I have spent quite some years with her now, and the work has been boiled down to the shadow of the goddess. The scary part of her.
Here is a dream where she appears:
I am walking in a forest with my daughter. We are moving southward and suddenly I see we are close to a she-wolf who is sniffing at something laying in the moss. I'm trying to pick up my phone and take a picture. My daughter moves closer to the wolf and I watch, her breathless in both fear and happiness over that she is so close to the magnificent animal.
The scene changes and in the wolf’s place a woman is standing. She is pitch black and without real human features, she is the wolf but also a feline. I see black wings coming out from her waist. And I know she is dangerous.
The scene changes again and the wolf woman is now standing in a rocky landscape, in the same place but in another time, and she’s showing us how she lives with her kids who are different kind of felines. Then She puts all her focus on me and says: You must know your calling. Her energy is overwhelmingly strong and I feel I am on my way to faint.
Shortly after this dream, the pitch black woman stood beside my bed in the middle of the night, in between my awake and sleeping state. I felt her presence strongly, and when she touched my left hand it felt like being touched by electric water. It was scary, but the reverence I felt was even bigger than fear.
Dark femininity scares people off, and there’s quite a movement out there with so called light workers having new age symptoms of “only choosing love and light”. This is only another form of medieval church behaviour and sectarianism of today – based on fear and especially the programming of what we are supposed to avoid. Sorry if offending someone – but even if lightwork is really needed – it’s never done without including the dark side of it. Because the dark side is there, all the time. Everything else is an illusion!
And.. every time we turn away from our own shadow - it grows, and this feeds the darkness in the world: The ongoing active as in symbolically male abusive and malevolent darkness – the bad things being done to good people, to animals and to our beloved mother earth.
When it comes to The feminine shadow it is a passive one, but it’s impact is strong since the visible feminine in the world is both mutilated and corrupted – and the passive energy is receiving and becoming what it is filled with.
Women are not meant to be subdued by male dominated cultures or objectified in a weird contrast to hiding under layers of fabric, as porn tools with silicone injected in strategical places in the body to increase some twisted attraction. Neither are they meant to be like men, if having struggled their way up to the so called top. Turning cold and indifferent, thinking in economy gain–terms.
I am not saying this happens because the male side of humanity is evil, no, not at all. What I am saying is that this is the consequence of the usurping of the feminine power once upon a time, which is the reason the balance is lost. That’s a long story, but let’s just shorten it up here in a male god, a trinity without a woman, a bible where wise women as Mary Magdalene have to be circumscribed as prostitutes.. Psychic women and men - being burned on stakes ……and the fact is that it’s time for a change.
This will mean the true femininity coming back. It will take some time, and be kind of painful if not wanting to let go of the old patriarchal ways. And old habits die hard. Hard also because of what actually has begun already – an unbalanced kind of witch hunt of men – which isn’t helping – but is welling out because of the extent of the feminine shadow.
To change this we can let those things we are afraid of, ashamed of – out in the light, work with it instead – and stop thinking of ourselves or others as less worthy; and in that way stop giving more negative energy to the feminine shadow. The collective feminine submission and shame has to stop. Feminine strength lays in the nature of being a woman. Where men are performing ceremonies – women ARE ceremonies. We are two sides of it. Women have hormonal cycles in tune with the phases of the moon, we have the ability to grow new souls inside our bodies, but not without the masculine. The masculine is the other piece of puzzle.
Furthermore; Women are not less strong because having less muscle mass – our strength just isn’t focused to muscular strength, or to the ability of being rational and logical. Those things are honoring the active male aspect of the whole, men are wonderful beings, without whom we can’t exist – and they have to be freed too, from this old twisted perception of what men and women are.This starts with the feminine finding the feminine strength. Again.
And Remember not only women have the feminine element inside, men have it too, so the passive, receptive and intuitive side has to be un-locked and set free in men too.
So - what do your own shadow selves bestow of? Take a deep look. Put light on it, transform it - and free your selves. I's an interesting time we are living in with innumerable possibilities.
Dig deeper and fly higher.